Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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