you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
