Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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