Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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