I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
