you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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