Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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