i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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