your thong is hanging out like whoa
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
