Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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