eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
