I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
