i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
