Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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