The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hate your face
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
