i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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