Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
