I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
