these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
