the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
