could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
