it hurts more in the daytime
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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