Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
