I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
