My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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