Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
