i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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