No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
