also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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