are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
