I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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