how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
