atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
