Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
