Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
