Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
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she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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