Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
