Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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