The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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