matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
did i walk over a car last night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
