Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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