If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
