what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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