Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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