i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
