you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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