My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
