dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
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Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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