if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wish there were birth control emojis
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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