we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
