I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
