i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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