Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
