it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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