Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
