No stitches, just platelets and will power
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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